MY HEART, MY RESPONSIBILITY
Over the last few years, I've read many articles on topics like things you shouldn't say to cancer patients, infertile parents, grieving families, children with disabilities, tall people, short people, overweight people, underweight people, adoptive parents, adopted kids, bi-racial families, refugees and immigrants, people who like Nickleback, and those who don't drink coffee.
OK, not that last one. Or the one before that either - but you get the idea.
For every situation we could face, there is a blog post somewhere advising people of what they should and shouldn't say. This isn't a bad thing, especially when we're in relationship with someone walking through that situation. It raises our awareness of what they may be thinking and feeling and can give us a starting point for dialogue. However, it also puts all the responsibility for what I think and feel on the other person. It also requires a LOT of mind-reading/telepathy/being 100% in tune with the Holy Spirit to even know, and gets to the stage where people can be afraid to say ANYTHING!
I've been pondering this recently as I'm walking through one of those seasons where people frequently say things that could be considered dumb or insensitive. I've been diagnosed with a chronic health condition which is only curable by a major surgery which we're waiting to find out if I can have or not. The implications of that are huge. This condition, combined with age and other factors also means that at the age of 37 I am finally letting go of the dream of birthing my own children. So imagine the situation. On Sunday at church I'm cuddling the baby of a friend, and multiple people make comments like "He suits you", "You should get one of those for yourself", "Careful, it's [pregnancy] catching you know". Yes. "It's catching you know". That should be on one of those lists or blogs or something.
Except.......
......it shouldn't. I wasn't upset. I wasn't offended. It didn't add or take anything away from anything I'm feeling or processing. Admittedly, by the time it was said a few times, there wasn't even room for the fake smile and laugh we make when a bad joke is made, but that was because of the repetition, not the remark itself. Either way though, if I was hurt or it triggered an emotional response, it was ME who had the issue, ME who had the feelings. That means, it's up to ME to make the adjustment. Yes, we can ask people to make adjustments when we have relationship with them, but all of those articles have lost sight of one important thing. My heart = my responsibility.
It's up to me to manage myself in the moment something is said that causes me to feel sad or hurt or angry, and choose not to react. It's up to me to realise no-one can MAKE me feel anything - my emotions are in my control. It's up to me to express when appropriate where my friends and family can help me with what they say and do.
It's up to me not to take offense when someone's joke touches on a sensitive issue.
It's up to me to allow the Holy Spirit to be working on me constantly so - guess what? - sometimes those'things not to say' lists don't even matter because the issue is settled in my heart and I have peace It's up to me to choose to turn into God and not turn on the person if it is a harder day and the remark hits more deeply It's up to me to be constantly letting myself be filled with the love of God so I can respond in love.
It's up to me to be walking in such a way that I immediately choose forgiveness if a boundary is crossed
I'm not saying that I have this nailed.
I can't count the times I've rolled my eyes as someone commented on my accent and made a British joke once again (actually 99% of the time it doesn't bother me, it just gets repetitive). I admit that I've got tired of hearing that I don't look like I have a health issue. I've had bad attitude after someone has mad a joke that has touched on a raw spot, and I've complained about people making assumptions (like the lady with a boot on her leg and a frame to lean on and rest the leg on who complained I should have let her skip ahead of me in a supermarket line because clearly she was handicapped......at the time my oxygen levels were about 92%, heart rate 120, I'd blacked out that morning, had pretty bad chest pain and it was one of those days where I felt fatigued enough that once I got back and lay down, I didn't move again for another four hours but I had nothing like a cast, crutches or oxygen machine to suggest that was happening inside of my body). It would be easy for me to react to those things by writing advisory posts suggesting what people should say and do (admittedly, not making assumptions about anyone is a good one), BUT I can also choose to see it as a time when God can grow my character. Where I can choose to press into him for the shaping and molding that means I don't need to react. For the place of trust and faithfulness that keeps my heart settled no matter what the comment or opinion.
And so whilst I haven't reached a place where this is my 100% default way of living, I'm committed to "My heart, my responsibility" I've come to understand that my heart and my feelings, emotions, thoughts and processes are no-one's responsibility but my own, and so I won't give in and write that 'what not to say' post, but I'll choose to work on me, and let the Holy Spirit do what needs to happen, so I can respond in grace and love. Danny Silk has some amazing materials on this kind of things, and I'm thankful for his clear revelation and instruction - and for the friend who posted this quote from him today that I want to leave you with: "It's my job to manage my heart so that I can respond to you in love, no matter what you do with you". Holy Spirit, help me take responsibility for my thoughts, responses and emotions, and let them be shaped by you!
