THOUGHTS FROM MY JOURNEY: UPSIDE DOWN KINGDOM

"It's the inside-outside Upside-down kingdom Where you lose to gain And you die to live"

Words from the Misty Edwards song 'Servant of All' that are on repeat in my head at the moment, and are basically the theme song to my current journey, especially surrounding my 40th birthday.

Image by Kranich17 from Pixabay

Last year a conversation with a nurse planted an idea in my head, that instead of a 40th birthday party (and I did want to mark the occasion after the health issues of the last few years), I would do a fundraiser for at least one of the departments that has been so instrumental in my care. And so here we are. Six weeks from my birthday, and in the middle of arranging a fundraiser which so far incorporates a dinner, raffle, silent auction, table top sale and distributing collection tins. It's big, it's building, and it just keeps on proving itself to be an example of that upside down, topsy-turvy adventure that God often calls us into. For those who haven't seen it, here is the initial invite. If you're reading this, then YOU'RE INVITED to join in, in any way!

1. It's BIG. Bigger than I dreamed of. I'm going to be more specific about this later, but in general, this thing has exploded! I was thinking low key restaurant night, easy way to do a party and generate a bit of money, maybe a raffle....gets me out of a party, marks the occasion, and gives some money to one of my causes. I had an idea in my head of something I thought I could accomplish, and then through various conversations and responses, God led me to something with more moving parts and on a bigger scale than I could ever have thought I would be doing. Totally out of my comfort zone and fully dependent on him, even for something that the world sees as being for my pleasure. 2. The target. £5000. That's what I want to raise through this. Well, actually, I don't! Or, I should say.....I didn't! I had a few hundred for each unit in mind, BUT I also wanted them to be getting something they needed. A few conversations later and Roald Dahl chose THIS, and Mason Ward chose enough of THESE for the ward. I thought about saying they were more than I thought ..... BUT THEN GOD!!!! I felt a clear 'say yes' - not necessarily to them, but to agree myself and believe not only was this the desire, but that it was going to be met. Why is that such a big deal? Well, the last year I lost ALL my regular support except for one. I still have supporters, but just none of them is able to give regularly any more. So each month my rent is covered but beyond that, who knows?!!!! My annual income is BELOW THIS AMOUNT (incidentally, this figure is about 1/3 of the UK living wage and I live off less than 1/3 of that) and I have weeks I literally have no idea if I will have money for the next cell phone bill, food, prescription charge. And instead of using my birthday for a big collective gift of something fun I could never afford (like petting a sloth) or a bunch of little things I'm running out of or need (hair cut, oils, food, clothes, cosmetics etc), I'm using my time and energy to raise money for someone else, and to pursue for them more than I have for myself - and I couldn't be happier to do it, even if it's stretching my faith. Yes, sounds like God. "It is more blessed to give than to receive" Acts 20:35

3. The vulnerability

Do you remember back when you were in school the kind of anxiety about friends from different circles meeting and spending time together with you in the middle? You church friends with your school friends and with your friends from your sports or music group and you not knowing who to be with or how they were going to connect and relate and....... Well, that still happens. Yup, even at 40. And added to that, is that I've been inviting my doctors and nurses. Weird isn't it? At least, I thought it was. But was also feeling that I wanted to invite them, let them know they could come and talk about the thing we're raising money for but also take time to honour them. Nice thought, but it left me dealing with all the fear of man when it came to inviting them. I have a pretty good relationship with them, but what it this made them all think I am really some weird psycho patient? What if they're all just going to laugh? And what if they actually come?! And meet my family and my church friends and my friends from other areas of my life? So many internal battles and excuses not to invite them. Or not to invite x from (insert group). And so it goes on. But I felt to do it. And you know what? It HAS left me feeling vulnerable. It DID feel risky. But it's also given me a freedom because I said 'yes' to what God was saying and not 'yes' to the fear. It's (in that 'upside down kingdom way) also left me feeling more supported. That's right. The more vulnerable and exposed I felt inviting them, the more encouraging and edifying their response. Some of them have actually been more positive than my friends! It was nice enough at the time, but then I thought about it some more. Seriously, these are my DOCTORS and they're all being supportive and encouraging about something I'm doing TOTALLY outside of my healthcare, and willing to use their patient-free time to come and support a patient? My goodness, what favour! What care! I'm not saying they don't think it's weird, or that they will all come (although most have indicated it was a high probability), but I stepped out, did something risky, let myself feel more exposed and totally out of my comfort zone.....and ended up feeling valued, encouraged and surrounded by community.

4. Interdependence

I like to be independent. I just do. google INFJs and you'll see! But I can't. It's too big. Too many parts. Too many plates spinning at the same time in the planning and then the execution. So I have to ask. And that makes me strong and capable. Because in the Kingdom and in Life, strong and able doesn't always mean I'm capable, but that in community, I can.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

5. Not my strength Finally, it makes no sense how big this is getting in terms of work, energy, how I spend my time. It makes no sense for me to plan things when we know from the pattern of the last two-and-a-half-years that I could wind up back in hospital or with changes of plans because of health, and then what? And yet, in this and in so many other areas of life (Like helping pioneer Bloom, Wrexham Worships, Wrexham Furnace Room and Celebrate Recovery in Wrexham), God keeps on saying 'yes'. Do it. Go for it. What about this? And now this. Plant seeds. Birth things. Give life. Initiate. It makes no sense to me, but the Kingdom is often about coming in the opposite spirit, and while the physical part of me would find it easy to give up and sit back and do the minimum, God keeps saying 'give life'. Bring the new. Take the lead. And then providing the strength, people and resources to do it. And so here I am. Stepping out, making new memories, creating and building, and being vulnerable and contributing to things bigger than I dreamed that simply aren't logical in their nature, timing or requirements. But "I'm in love with a king who became a slave

I'm in love with a God who is humble

You gotta go down if you wanna go up

And You've gotta go lower if you wanna go higher and higher

Well you've gotta hide and do it in secret if you wanna be seen by God

It's the inside-outside

Upside-down kingdom

Where you lose to gain

And you die to live"