COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS AND CONQUER!
WARNING…..IT’S A LONG ONE!
Today was one of those days where fighting a chronic condition started to feel a bit too much. I wasn’t feeling well physically, and I’ve had a few days of phone calls trying to figure out why my prescription hadn’t been approved yet and get that pushed through before my blood thinners ran out. These (not the physical struggles) are actually the things that start to feel hard for me, and can start a spiral of self-pity if I don’t choose to either take it to Jesus, keep it in check, or vent for a moment to someone who will validate it but then help me move forward and not linger there.
Having dealt with it with no problem the last couple of days, today out of nowhere, I found myself in that place where outside Jo keeps everything together, but inside Jo is actually a bit like a five year old, and wants to throw herself into the arms of a mom or dad and cry for a while about how much it sucks and cuddle on the sofa. 'Inside Jo' was threatening to spill over to the outside (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing), and, in the absence of a friend physically close enough to go and ask for a hug and a pep talk, I thought about reaching out via phone to a friend who is not only an incredible prayer warrior but also a friend, mother, counselor, co-worker and sister in one – if that’s possible!
As I contemplated text or phone call just asking them for prayer, I had the thought that they already WERE praying for me. That they had prayed for me already, and that they would continue to pray for me. Next thought was probably that they already knew from the Holy Spirit that it was a tough day and would be praying specifically (it happens a LOT!). And that although I was only thinking about her in that moment, that others would be too.
And in that moment, I experienced all the comfort, covering, protection and sense of being known and understood that the inside Jo ready to tantrum was needing. Although physically I still felt rough, my heart was at peace. How could it not be, when I had just remembered that we have a God who loves us and has placed us in a family which reflects his love and cries out to him on our behalf? And that he responds, so we’re constantly heard, covered, protected, and met where we need it. As I let those thoughts settle in my heart and mind, it occurred to me that I would never have experienced the level of family, commitment , sacrifice, being served, loved and having incredible world-wide prayer covering if I hadn’t experienced this sickness. That knowing this depth of love and support would maybe not have been something I would have even been open to experiencing and admit to needing if it hadn’t been for my current circumstance.
And THAT led to today’s very specific counting my blessings.
God works ALL things for the good of those who love him, and every situation is one where we can choose to look for what he is doing and see his hand, or focus on the negative. This morning’s story (which took longer to type about than my actually thinking process!), led me to think about the benefits and blessings of my current crazy circumstances (immigration, health, change of location, ministry and all that entails, finances….the list goes on!) and specifically the things I’m experiencing because of being sick…..
Seeing how God really answers prayers and works in the middle of situations that sometimes really are life and death. It’s pretty self explanatory really. I’ve also seen him provoke people to specific prayer at specific times that they had no way of knowing in the natural.
Experiencing the strengthening and sustaining of the Holy Spirit on a constant basis. I’ve never experienced exhaustion like I do some days (except for maybe the first few days of THAT bout of malaria, but that's a whole other story), but every time I feel like “I can’t do this” whether it be something more demanding like a rehearsal or honoring a commitment to decorate cookies or something simple like a flight of stairs and taking a shower, God gets me through it. Every. Time. Sometimes, because of him, I even slay that thing. Truly, my weakness allows me to see his power.
Experiencing crazy financial provision through the body of Christ. Yes, there are lots of bills, yes I have a lot to raise…..but so far it’s happening! Bit by bit, step by step….and often in ways I would never have expected that have impacted me deeply as people sacrifice to help.
Re-connecting with friends from different stages of life who have reached out to offer words of encouragement and support and even help raise funds. It was a blessing to live life alongside each one of them, and I’ve loved catching up and have been humbled and moved to see them respond to my need, even though we’re far away or haven’t had much contact.
Learning humility and experiencing God’s sacrificial love through others as people constantly lay down their needs and agenda to ensure I am well. I live in a community and every day one or more of them serves me, makes allowances for me or is simply there alongside me. Obviously I’ve known this before and seen it before, but right now, it’s every day which is humbling, challenging and a beautiful gift I would never have received.
Greater intimacy with Jesus. I’m an introvert so I like being alone, but I’m also a typical INFJ in that I do have that longing for that ‘soul mate’. When people ask the ‘why?’ questions in life, mine regarding this whole situation have rarely or never included struggles with loss of ability, loss of health, loss of dreams, why sickness, why me etc. The one that DOES crop up though is “Why do I have to do this alone?”. And by that, I mean without a husband, because I am by no means alone – I have my largest support and greatest number of people to reach out to that I have ever experienced right now! But there’s a difference between a friend coming to an appointment or making you dinner, and a person you can come home to and crash with at the end of the day, let that inside Jo out, and – for this physical touch/quality time girl – experience the comfort of curling up with someone. Time and time again God has helped me through the day and I’ve been fine, only for me to get to the evening with an intense need to be with that non-existent ‘someone’, and to find myself not upset about being sick, but about being sick without them. In those moments I’ve faced a choice. I have NO DOUBT that if I texted, called or simply showed up at our directors house in that teary state, asked to have a half hour hug on the sofa and just cry for a bit, that she would drop what she was doing and sit with me. That’s who she is, and how she loves. There are others too who would be on the end of a skype or phone call at any time of day or night but their distance prevents them from physically being with me. It would be an amazing substitute for that ‘one’. It would meet that need for that moment, and sometimes, I come close. But! I also don’t like to inconvenience people. I don’t want to be that person who puts them out by showing up just as they thought they could relax for the night. I sometimes by that stage don’t have the energy. But I’ve also found something else. In that moment of loneliness, God has provided a family who can help, but he’s also provided someone else. In those moments I can look to my human support system he’s given, but I’ve learned instead that it’s a beautiful thing to take every emotion and need in that moment to Jesus, and let his words be the ones to bring comfort, to let his presence fill the place so the need for those physical arms dissipates and becomes more like the optional icing on the cake after Jesus. Without this condition, I know I wouldn’t find myself in those moments of struggle and weakness and dependence as often, so I’m thankful for the deeper intimacy this has allowed me to experience.
Meeting new people and learning new things. I’ve been blessed with great doctors, some wonderful nurses, people in support groups online, lots of new experiences and things I’ve been able to learn that I would NEVER have known or seen otherwise. Some have led to being able to share about Jesus with them, others not, but either way, I’m thankful for what this time has given me in terms of new people, new information, and new experiences. In that, I also get to be a light in a mission field I would never have had. My prayer is that in all my interactions, that Jesus would be seen through me.
More understanding of the awesomeness and intelligence of our Creator. Yes, the more we learn about what’s going wrong in our bodies, the more afraid we could become. Or the more impressed we can become with the God who thought it out, designed it and spoke it into existence. Each time I learn new things about my body and the way it was made (and the way it functions in the majority of the population), the more amazed I am at the mind, intelligence and creativity of God. I’ve know it forever and constantly appreciate him as creator and artist, but without my condition necessitating learning ,and driving my desire to know more, I would never have the depth of revelation I do now. All those places in scripture that talk about God’s ways, love, mind etc being unfathomable? Yeah. That. In a WHOOOOOOOLLLE new light.
Understanding something of the struggles and strengths of the country that’s now my home. As missionaries there are some things that we never ‘get’ when we move country, unless we live them. When we experience them, it grows our passion, informs our prayer, spurs our actions and shapes our heart further for the experiences of the people we’ve been called to love and serve. In the same vein, because I’ve now experienced a little of this system, I’ve already been able to give others keys to helping themselves. I’m still VERY new….but learning all the time, and because I learn, I can serve.
Experiencing the greatest level of covering and protection from others that I’ve known yet, certainly as an adult.* Spiritually, people are praying and I feel it. Emotionally, people are there for me. Physically people constantly check on me, ask me how I am (and mean it), help me and minimize the things that are harmful. I’ve been way too feisty and independent in the past to be OK with this or to receive it. But it’s a beautiful thing and really brings to life in my heart God’s promises about being placed in family, having protection, functioning as the body – even if I do fight it at times! It’s also allowed me to deepen and strengthen friendships I have as I’m learning to be vulnerable, had people reach out and bless me in amazing ways, and I’ve seen my amazing local and global church family rise up and fight for me. * I don't want to dishonor others, so I want to to clarify that this was more through my lack of receptivity or need, not because it hasn't been offered.
New experiences, tasks and roles. Stepping back from some of my ‘normal’ things give me chance to check on where my identity is (actually not been the struggle I thought it would be – the bigger issue than things like worship, teaching, being strong etc has been pride and being afraid of being judged as being lazy or not doing my share), and opportunity to serve in different ways. During my first rehearsal of the Passion Play, I had a sudden moment of sadness that I wasn’t up on the stage singing and dancing and being part of the story telling in the way I expected to when I joined the worship team. God immediately spoke to me that I hadn’t had that stolen from me (I guess he knew I was in danger of going there!), but rather, I’d been given and opportunity not just to reach others with the story, but to serve the cast by being behind the scenes and helping to make it possible for the actors, singers and dancers to do their thing. Not being able to be up front with as many things has given me opportunity to find different ways to serve, and to serve other people, different ways to grow, and different things to learn.
Experiencing being valued, loved and honored in spite of what I perceive to be weakness. In this I am also blessed to have around me people who constantly affirm that my value to them is not affected by what I do. It's been settled for a while in my heart the truth that my value to God isn't based on what I do, but it's taken a season of still being valued by the people in my life when I can't be or do what I would like, for me to see in a very real way, that Heavenly principle modeled on earth.
New opportunities to forgive, and grow my character. Read about that here.
Growing in living life more in the moment, and trusting the peace of the Holy Spirit. There’s a LOT going on in ALL our lives at the moment here at the base. I have no clue about all the things you might think I should at my age, and no answers to the questions I often get asked. Often every decision I want to make ends up in a circle, and there are no easy or clear answers. Even listening to Holy Spirit for a specific word becomes clouded by human filters. Any time there’s talk of a life-limiting condition, it raises questions too. Value of life? Why fight for length of life? Who should receive rationed treatment? Is it a right? Who pays for it? Is it better to go to or stay away from any given person in a less-than-your-best-state? When does healthy interdependence become unhealthy co-dependence or dependence? When is limiting treatment euthanasia and when is it allowing God to be the decider? Is passive euthanasia in the same category as abortion when it comes to life and death? Is it worth preserving my life at the cost of someone who doesn't yet know Jesus? Should we ever look for utilitarian principles when it comes to human life? My list goes on, and on and usually creates even more of these unanswerable questions that I once thrived on. Yes, you heard me. Thrived on....... In my theology studies, I took as many ethics units as I could, especially medical ethics. I’m a philosopher by nature and I find it easy to think of the 50 different possibilities or options for what may be happening or what an outcome may be, and make arguments for any given case. I love to be asked questions that provoke forty possibilities, 62 more questions and zero definitive answers. That made me great at writing essays on the ethics of media, war, health etc but it really isn't an asset when you become the subject of your own medical ethics paper! Before Christmas I had a few weeks where I was absorbed in trying to get Biblical answers to those ethical principles to inform decisions about my immediate future, including the potential of a move which had some crazy implications for my life. Trying to deal with the questions and come up with a decision that way, left me with some deep pain and a sense of real hopelessness and helplessness – the extent of which I still haven’t really verbalized, but have thankfully moved way, way, way, WAY beyond. I had to ‘let go and let God’, as the saying goes. Yes, the questions are still there, but finding answers to them doesn’t determine my path….listening on a day to day basis, not jumping too far ahead, and letting God lead me in small steps when I still don't know the big picture, has become a necessity…..and I think it’s right where he wants me to be.
I could go on. There are many more blessings that I would never have experienced if it wasn't for this condition. And the thing is, that once I began thinking about it and allowing my heart and mind to meditate on the good, those thoughts began to take over ..... And stayed. Feeling physically rough didn’t go, and the whole day was one where I physically needed his strength….but my mind and emotions remained healthy, and my spirit strong. This meditating on the blessings and the good of the situation isn’t my default…..but I’m asking God to shape my heart so that it is, and that I would choose hope, life, peace and joy – the things of God - in any situation and moment.
There have been other tough times in my life that actually felt much harder emotionally and spiritually as I was walking them than this does. In time I've come to be able to say that I'm thankful for those seasons because what I learned about God in the healing process and where he brought me too afterwards. If not thankful, I certainly wouldn't change them because of that. I'm older now and hopefully wiser and more mature, and it's my hope that in this specific season, I can walk this, and not just say afterwards that I'm thankful because of what I learned coming out of it, but that I would be thankful while still in it for all God is doing. I think sharing these tonight helps solidify them for me, and I hope and pray that they also bring you some of the peace, joy, comfort, hope and peace that they brought me in that moment earlier today.
