Worthy Of It All

I was recently diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension and heart failure, a diagnosis which has put me onto a pretty steep learning curve. There’s new vocabulary, medical procedures, paying bills and getting insurance in a new system. There’s drugs, diet and the discipline of not just knowing about diet but actually doing it. There’s thoughts and feelings to process, figuring out how to talk about it and when so that the people closest and do regular life with me know the fullness of what it means, but without dwelling on that or bringing in drama and fear and there’s new limitations and possibilities. LOTS of new limitations and possibilities. So many in fact, that sometimes I think I need to write down my list of ‘what not to do’ experiences because there are so many, I’ll never actually remember in future (and maybe that’s a good thing because I keep trying?) This week for example, I have learned that I:

Can’t drive back from La Guardia in heavy traffic . The position and use of my foot and that arterial clot mean I lose feeling in my foot and have cramp in my leg before I hit Hampstead. Thankfully I was able to get on the hard shoulder so no harm done Should not drink Starbucks Caramel Macciatos. There’s a reason they say no/not too much caffeine. Add the sugary syrup into the equation and my body was not thankful – although my mouth was Should not lift bass amps Can put sorting, carrying, and folding laundry into the same exercise category as I used to have T25 and Insanity workouts. Ditto mass use of a paper slicer, vacuuming staircases, carrying bird cages and clearing the snow off a vehicle Should not commit to things that get me to bed at 1am when I have a 6am wake-up the next day. Should always make crumble by hand, not with the Kitchen Aid. This one is nothing to do with the PH though – it just tastes so much better.

Mostly I learn these things through feeling the negative effects on my body, and decide ‘well I know not to do that again’. And that’s mostly good. But sometimes........sometimes that’s not the way it works. Like today. Sometimes the effect of doing things hits me as I’m doing it, sometimes later. Sometimes it eases on, sometimes it hits me suddenly and everything all at once. This afternoon was a little bit of both. As I was waiting for food to cook, I found myself draping myself over the counter and I heard a voice say “That’s something not to do again”. Except I will. I will do it again tomorrow, and I will do it again on Tuesday. I will do it again later in the week and next weekend and every time I get asked or simply feel like it. Because that ‘thing’? It’s worship. It’s sitting at the piano, allowing the Holy Spirit to touch me, and playing melodies that bring peace and joy and comfort and breakthrough. It’s singing. It’s allowing my voice to declare his worth and hear his songs and bring them to others. It’s being alone and hearing a news song and letting it come out until the words are deep in my spirit. It’s being with a team, changing the atmosphere and leading others into the presence of God. It’s a conversation, a stilling, an encounter, a sacrifice, warfare, intercession, being ministered to and a gift all at once. It’s beautiful. It’s powerful. It draws me back over and over. And no, it’s never going on that list. Because this momentary pain or fatigue, feeling gross or whatever it is? It’s worth it. He’s worth it. That taste of Heaven when we join with angels and see His face and let him speak and breathe his presence all around us? It’s worth it. Today I involved in worship because my friend was invited to lead worship and teach at a women’s ministry event. She was speaking on worship and intimacy the conversation that takes place between child and maker when we come to worship. She talked of intimacy and experiencing the father and allowing that intimacy to mature and deepen. She talked of the sweetness of that intimacy. I could ‘amen’ everything she said, and that’s why that no matter the pain, the fatigue or whatever else happens, I won’t be striking worship off my list. There truly is nothing sweeter, nothing greater and nothing I desire more than that sweet intimacy, and for that reason, I will say ‘yes’ over and over. He’s worthy of it all – MY all – and the beauty of intimacy expressed in acts of worship is something my soul desires above the cost.