Landmarks and Signposts

Sometimes there are 'landmarks moments where we're allowed to get a glimpse of how far we've come. That is, the work God has done in us, where we're no longer the same. And sometimes those same moments that remind us of who we were, also point the way to the future. A memorial and a signpost. Tonight was one of those times. These things probably don't seem like much to anyone else, but to me they're huge. And the timing, another example of God's goodness. The first was that today I got to be around my friend's two month old baby. I got to admire his cuteness, make faces at him, and hope I would start feeling better so I could ask for a cuddle. I got to hear his little cute noises and notice the way he moved his little hands and feet, and simply enjoy being around this precious little boy. I love that God blessed my friends with this little man, and as I saw his mom nurse, cuddle and tend him, and my friend before that snuggle and love on him, I never once felt anything except joy and affection for them.

That maybe shouldn't be anything momentous, but it hasn't always been the case. At times in my life I've been incredibly jealous of other people who have children, and being around new-borns has been hard. I'm 37, not married and no sign of there being someone any time soon, and even if there was, pregnancy is something I've been told I shouldn't do. due to my current health issues. Oh, and today happens to be the 15th anniversary of the second of my children going to be with Jesus. Anniversaries are always different, and this year came with remembering and some sadness, but not the intense grief, and not a hint of the jealousy that would sometimes have overtaken the time I was around my friend's baby. It amazed me when God brought it to my attention, and reminded me of how much he's done in me to heal that hurt and help my heart celebrate with others without envy or jealousy. The second moment came when I saw some photos of early Valentines gifts filling up my Facebook feed and my only thoughts were about how sweet they were. Again, not momentous for most people, but 12 years ago I had the biggest argument I have ever had with a room mate over her love of and desire to celebrate a 'Galentines Day' (before it was a thing) complete with pink hearts and glitter. And maybe pink glittery hearts? Whether or not the hearts were pink AND glittery, I was totally unjustified, and acted like a total jerk (thankfully she is very forgiving). I was so hurt, bitter and British in my thinking (yes, it's a thing) that not only could I not enjoy a day like that and find something good, redeeming and fun in it, but I couldn't let her either. Also, full of pride, I wouldn't admit (or even recognise that) and totally slammed her for her sweet heart which I now love and miss. Every Valentines day when pink and glitter appear together, I remember that time and am thankful for her forgiveness, but also, as in this year when I saw the photos and was happy for my friends, for the healing God did in me that I can be happy for someone else. Someone once told me that a good indicator of having forgiven/healed/moved on is when you can want better for that person than you have for yourself, or can want that thing for someone else without being jealous and wanting it for yourself instead. It's not the first time by any means that these have happened, but being able to see today that my heart simply rejoiced for others was a good reminder for me that we have a God who loves and heals and sanctifies us. It's who He is and it's what He does. In part, it was profound for me too, because of the timing...... God could have led me to think about some of this at any time of the day, but it was at the end as I was winding down and waiting for one last thing to be finished so I could sleep. I've had some rough afternoons and evenings the last few days. I want to work out why and figure out what I did wrong and fix it but a the same time, not I don't want it fixing by changing my routine or putting more limits on what I can do, because I just want to be well. It would be easy then to end my day thinking of that - dwelling on the negative of how my body feels, what it means is happening right now and in turn what that means longer term. Instead, the Holy Spirit turned a quick 'Oh that's so sweet' thought into a 'Wait a minute....I just thought that was sweet?' thought to remind me of what God's done. To be thankful and celebrate that I'm not that person, and that's not what's in my heart any more. And to remember that He did that because that's who He is. It wasn't a one off (or twice-off). He's done it in SO many areas of my life - physically, emotionally, spiritually - and will continue to. So not only are these landmarks for me and a memorial, but on a night where I could end my day choosing to focus on the negative, He instead reminds me of who He is and uses them as signposts of the good things that are